remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
