You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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