She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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