I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
