He disabled his match.com account in front of me
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
