So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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