one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
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