it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
