I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize