4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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