only you would photoshop your dick
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
