the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
