i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
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