He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Liz is crying about burritos again.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
