I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize