One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Randomize
