4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
