You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
