Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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