How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
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