then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
