i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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