Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
