I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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