I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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