I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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