i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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