so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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