my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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