I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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