How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
