Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize