i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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