You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
