Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
