I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
