i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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