College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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