Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
