i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
