You don't have asthma, your pregnant
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
