Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
