i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
