Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Randomize
