all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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