Soap is not a condiment
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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