So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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