omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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