She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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