I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize