I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
