It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize