Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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