I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
