I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
