I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize