Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
