can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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